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The Gift of Discernment

Updated: Aug 18, 2021



When I started this, I had the mentality of let's sit down and write a good column. I was envisioning myself as Carrie Bradshaw sitting outside of the coffee shop trying to put the words together to sound good. And yet nothing flowed. I was blocked. My cutesy creative pieces about millennial women in their Nike shorts were uninspired to say the least. I should have known by my cousins feigned excitement upon reading. She's read my diaries without my knowledge! She knows my depths, she knows what I'm capable of. So that's what I'm doing. I feel it. Today. I'm ready to speak my truth and do it in this form of typing. This is new to me to express so deeply without the pen and the page. But it's feeling okay so far. Just bear with me guys. This is all very new to me. I feel like I'm gonna cry not sure why I'm holding it back gotta let it flow onto the screen. I take a deep breath and I'm back. Let's do this thang ;) winking through tears. This life has been a freaking roller coaster from the beginning. My earliest memory was of sitting in my parents room fiddling with the handle to my dad's dresser. I was plotting a lie at the age of 3. I knew it was wrong and I didn't want to do it but something in me felt like I had no choice. I rehearsed what I would say. I feel like maybe someone was there with me. Someone I couldn't see. There's no way my tiny baby brain could know all of these things. So I told mom that the babysitter man, it was an elderly woman and her husband, I said that he had put something like a cream or gel on my pee pee and it burned and I didn't want to go back. That was a lie. (As far as I knew then and I felt it my whole life. I know some of you may say that it really did happen and the man maybe convinced me it was a lie or that it was wrong to tell, I know that is very common in these type of situations. But I really felt my whole entire life from that day on that I had lied and ruined that man's life. I have no recollection of anything like that actually happening and felt so saddened for that man my whole life. I really thought I had ruined an innocent man and woman's life with my lie) So flashback, I'm 3 years old and just told mom a man had touched my private parts and she was freaking out! My 3 year old self did not anticipate the severity of those words. Mom said what was the cream? I said it was something I had seen in her bathroom drawers. I envisioned a tube of cream I had seen in her drawer! She tore apart her bathroom asking me was it this? Was it this? We never found it. Then I'm pretty sure she contacted the police. I don't remember seeing police officers but I remember being in this room alone with a woman asking questions and I didn't say anything. From that day forward I never spoke of it again. And mom didn't mention it and we didn't drive down that street anymore. I started going to a new babysitter, an elderly woman from the church. I loved her. I grew up in the church for as long as I can remember. In church they preached of sins and lies and asking for forgiveness. So I would spend the majority of my young life begging God for forgiveness for the lie I had told that I was certain had ruined a family's lives. I felt so much guilt and shame. When I was with my friends and we happened to drive down that street, I felt it. I felt like they felt it too. Everyone knew but they didn't say anything. I remember my cousin (Scorpio) the one that reads my diaries! She asked me about it when I was in 3rd grade. I didn't say anything I was shocked and upset I felt naked and ashamed. I shut down. Like always hiding in the bathroom crying never letting the world see my pain. I told mom she had asked. She never asked again. It wasn't until I was about 18, randomly standing in the kitchen with my mom, I don't remember how it came up the conversation about sex. Mom was asking if I enjoyed sex. And I was like yeah I think so ya know for my brief one year of sexual experience and not a lot at that! She said she had worried that I would not be able to enjoy sex because of what had happened to me as a child. That's when I told her. The first time I had told anyone, I said mom I lied. She was dumbfounded. I told her everything I just told yall, about the dresser and the lie and the guilt and shame and asking for forgiveness and ruining innocent lives. I came clean about my grave sin for the first time in 15 years. It was freeing to finally just say it out loud and to the person I could tell anything to. She said that it had come out that the man who I had accused of touching me had molested other children. I was in shock. She was in shock. She told me that the elderly couple had approached me in the play yard of the new babysitter. I do not recall this. I do recall sitting in the yard playing with gumballs ya know the little pokey balls that fall from the trees :) Mom was so relieved that it had not actually happened, for she had not been so lucky in her childhood. I was so relieved that he was an actual molester, not that he had hurt anyone else, obviously I would not celebrate that. But I felt for the first time in my whole life peace like I got myself out of that situation, God got me out of that situation. My whole life from a very very young age my mom told me I had the Spirit of Discernment. I felt it too. I would always feel things and just know. Mom wouldn't want to believe it and it would always prove true. She soon began to trust my gut instincts. I really feel like my gift of discernment and knowing what people's intentions were saved me from a very very traumatic experience. That was the first time but it would not be the last. So many times that instinct, intuition, gut feeling, God, Spirit, whatever you wanna call it, it has saved my life countless times. Wow I did not see it going here. Just know this is raw, this is not easy for me to speak about and share openly. I have not spoken of it with many people in this life. I keep wanting to tell yall my parent's story but perhaps my story is needed now. I am aware that there may be suppressed memories stored in my unconscious. I feel peace with this situation at this time. I have spoke about it with a relative who was friends with one of the children who were molested by him. She told me of that girl's memories of the garage. I don't remember spending too much time in the garage. I do remember tennis balls. Wanting to play with them. The other girl was about 9 years older than me so perhaps 3 was too young for him. I feel lucky, protected, blessed, Divinely guided, words are not enough to express the feelings. I don't know why this is what came through and needed to be shared here. But I'm honoring it. I am open to memories if they come back to me from that time. I do not feel like there is anything left to uncover there, however I do not pretend to know all things! I am sharing this experience to acknowledge my God given gifts that literally protected me when I was too young to even know I needed protecting. I was a baby! That was not me! That was Spirit leading me, protecting me, saying Not today! Not This child! Not this storyline again! I feel that so strongly in me that I am here to break generational curses. I am here to shatter the shackles that have held us. I know these are not easy topics to speak on but it is my truth, it is my path and I must walk it even if my knees tremble I will continue to walk it. I thank God for breaking me free from that curse of molestation. I thank God for breaking me free from the guilt and shame. I thank God for removing the veil that covered my eyes. I thank God for waking me up to my Divine gifts. I thank God for saving me! Words are not enough! I feel it in my being how do I get that to the screen! It feels like I'm home in my body, completely at peace, sitting outside making mudpies not a worry in the world, the bugs are buzzin and the grass smells so good. It feels like innocence returned, the simplicity of the childhood self without the muck and mire of the world. That is was God has given me. God has returned me to me after years of wandering in the dark crying out in despair. All I had to do was just stand and believe. That's all it took was for me to believe! God was there all along but I kept myself in the dark, because when the light started to come in it hurt. I felt all of the pain as the ice began to melt away so I would retreat back to the darkness to keep the ice because it numbed the pain. It wasn't until the ice couldn't melt the pain anymore I just started melting and flowing all over the place. And it was not easy! I had the help of God through a therapist, friends and family, mentors, the list goes on. So many people from Happy the guy I met on the street while protesting to my philosophy professor who shook my mind and rattled my faith! All of these experiences and humans, struggles, and sorrows were all getting me right where I needed to be to just say okay I surrender. I stand barefoot underneath Your Creation and just breathe You in. I ask for Your will not my own. I ask for this to be Our body, Our mind, Our spirit, Our voice, Our life, Our path, Our mission. I don't want to do it my way because I've seen that it's hard and doesn't work out! My human brain limits Our limitless potential! So take me out of it! Get me out of my head and into my heart! Get me outta Our way! And I have to do this over and over and over again! This is a daily Love, a daily commitment, a daily surrender, a daily return, over and over again you must return to the Peace of God. You must return to the Breath of Spirit. You must quiet the mind so the Soul may hear God. As this world we inhabit grows wilder and crazier we must grow quieter and more peaceful. As the world screams run this way! We will save you! Do this! This is the answer! Turn inward and feel the peace of Jesus Christ. Jesus is not running to and fro screaming fire! Jesus is calm, still, Knowing. Jesus is without fear, without judgment, without limits. Jesus is Pure Unconditional Love. Jesus is the Peace that surpasses all human understanding. You have nothing to fear. Breathe in Peace and Trust in the One True Creator. I love you all so much! Thank you for coming on this journey with me! I promise to tell you the whole story soon! It's long and it's hard and it's a lot, who's isn't?! But we've got a steady flow and we are not in a hurry. I love you! Talk soon <3


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