Libra New Moon
With the Moon at 29 degrees Virgo I write, releasing old programs of over attachment, anxious avoidant attachment, and unhealthy attachments. I release the trauma from the womb. I release the trauma of my mother. I let go of fear and terror. I let go of the suppression of my feminine. I let go of the people pleasing and sacrifice of self to give the illusion of control. I let go of this illusion of control. I let go of the chains and cages that I have kept myself and others in. I install programs of freedom! I welcome peace and calm, knowing what is for me is for me. There is no need to fear, to hide, to protect or conceal. Let them shine! You want to be free and shine, so give that same love that you desire!
A little baby just wants to feel safe in their mother’s warm embrace. But what happens when that mother is stressed and afraid? That baby feels those traumas as well. Instead of feeling safe and secure, now the baby is anxious and afraid. This was my situation. Constant chaos between my parents from conception. I grew up shy, anxious, and afraid. A projectile vomiting baby turned into anxiety vomiting my whole life. When it came time for relationship, I was guarded and sought partners that were no threat to those walls. I was attracted to distant, cold partners because I feared opening up emotionally. This stemmed from a lifetime of suppressing my emotions. How could I express these intense emotions in a WW3 house? There was not enough room for my emotions. So, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I always looked in the mirror, perhaps trying to understand. In relationship I longed for emotional connection but feared the vulnerability required to get there. I blamed my partner for being emotionless and detached, when we all know I was the creator of these shit storms. When the occasional emotional partner made it past the walls, I couldn’t handle it for fear of my own emotions. I quickly kicked them to the curb for being too sensitive. “I need a strong partner” It was all bullshit! Just excuses and mirrors reflecting the root of the issue, me, my trauma, my mother’s trauma, fears passed down, and learned anxieties. I learned that it was not safe to be vulnerable, to be soft, to be feminine. I was raised by Wonder Woman. She was the definition of strength; she didn’t need no man. A strong independent, modern woman, that’s what we all seek to be now days, but is that truly us at our highest, freest, most feminine embodiment? Or is that just us suppressing our feminine and masquerading as masculine? I want to be strong enough to be soft. I want to be free enough to be feminine. I want to love without barriers or fear.
In true Virgo fashion, I want to clean out the closets. I want pristine. I want healed and clean, refreshed, and renewed. I deep clean the programs that traumatized me. I clean out the dust and cobwebs. Out little spiders, it’s time to go. The walls are coming down, there’s no place to hide. I want to stand naked, bare my soul, express my love, open my heart, before myself. I whisper, “You are safe. I love you. I got you. I am safe to be vulnerable. I am strong enough to be sweet. I am Love!” Let your little sunshine heart melt away all those walls of ice. I don’t have to hide my tears. I don’t have to fear! I can give and receive love like an open window, and it feels like summer every day. I want that freeing love, the kind that doesn’t make you feel trapped or responsible for the other person’s happiness and wellbeing. I want to be more free, more me when I am with them! I’ve always longed for freedom, hence why I dated Aquarians. I love that detached, independence. I just didn’t know how to love like that. I overly attached and took it personal (natal Cancer Venus) I wanted freedom but didn’t know how to give or receive it. I wanted love but didn’t know how to give or receive it. True intimacy terrified me, yet it was my deepest desire.
So how do I get there? Starting with myself. I love myself. I open up to myself. I do the trauma and shadow work with me. And when I get so comfortable and secure being myself, loving myself, freeing myself, then I start doing it with someone else. This requires two people who have both gotten intimate with themselves and are now ready to dive deeper into themselves through relationship. Will it be easy? Perfect? Instant? No, this will take time, vulnerability, compassion, love and awareness. And it might not work out. It doesn’t have to be forever. But it teaches you! You grow! Just like exercising, you are building muscle. I think a common misconception is that relationships are about the other. This is a solo mission, it’s always about you. Even in relationship, your partner is a mirror to reflect all the shit you still need to work on. Don’t blame them! Look in the mirror! What is this showing you? Maybe you are sacrificing yourself to make the other happy. Maybe you are blaming the other for your own fears and insecurities.
Control, or the illusion of control is a huge theme in my relationships. Control or trying to control has come up in friendships, jobs, and romantic relationships for me. This is another reason we sacrifice ourselves; we are attempting to control another person’s perceptions and reactions to us. We are little control freaks! Let things be as they are meant to! We are creator beings and have so much power to create our realities but there are forces beyond those abilities, Divine Creations. As we tune in and turn on to these Divine cycles and honor and flow with them, we become even more aware and empowered. We are no longer sacrificing our power to grasp at an illusion of control. We are now standing in our whole truest essence and flowing with the Divine Ocean. We create with the Divine. We surrender to what is and create from chaos. Whereas before we were disempowered, fighting with the Universe, now we are one with her Cosmic Life Force.
To Be Continued….